The Big Kid Slide

28 May


Nothing makes Mommy’s heart race like watching you race toward that yellow plastic incline of injury known as The Big Kid Slide. It feels like only yesterday you had the coordination of a co-ed at their first Keg party and now you’re training for the X Games on a playground designed by Russian gymnasts. If only you would hang in the toddler area – but with little more than a sad mini rocking duck, it doesn’t quench your thirst for bloodsports. As you begin your ascent on Mt. CardiacArrest, Mommy makes like a sherpa to stop you from plummeting to base camp. You make it to the summit with a big smile. Then Mommy wonders why a spinal board isn’t in her Skip Hop as you launch off a 75-degree angle at Mach 10. Hooray for the quilted cushion landing of the Pampers you refuse to potty train out of, as you come out unscathed and run back up for more. Ironically, Mommy’s the only one who shit her pants. All in all, she’s proud of your jungle gym bravery and she tries not to helicopter parent, but when a bigger kid shoves you out of the way, Mommy punches him in the throat.

In her mind.

DRINK: The Slidecar. 1/2 oz brandy, 1/2 oz elderflower liqueur, 1/2 oz Cointreau. Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice, strain and serve with a squeeze of fresh lemon. For big kids only.

12 Responses to “The Big Kid Slide”

  1. Jaye May 28, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    I’m starting to get used to the coffee coming out of my nose….

  2. leahtrav May 28, 2013 at 9:51 am #

    LOL @ “Ironically, Mommy’s the only one who shit her pants”. Love it…

  3. Steph May 28, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

    This is so good (and true). Love it!

  4. mkstump May 28, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    Oh my gosh. YES.

  5. Catherine Burden (@AlwaysARedhead) May 29, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    I was always terrified watching my kids play when they were young. They were fearless, while I wasn’t.

  6. June 18, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    Had a holy shit moment on the big boy slide and saved my 18 month old from certain death however this resulted in friction burn down one of my arms. My son thought it was hilarious and immediately attempted to scramble up the slide again. Ugh.

    • Reasons Mommy Drinks June 25, 2013 at 9:34 am #

      WHYYYYY do kids think it’s hilarious when Mommy is severely injured??? Arrrg.

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