The Local Fair

30 Jul

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Nothing says summer like a traveling carnival. Those twinkly lights, the smell of cotton candy, the sound of teenagers getting pregnant on the Ferris wheel. Of course now that she’s a Mommy, she realizes the whole thing is a giant death trap. As if she’s going to trust a recovering addict with provocative tattoos of Tweety Bird to operate The Teacup Ride. It looks like it’s held together with little more than duct tape and Hubba Bubba. Then there’s the midway. Mommy feels likes she’s in the red light district of a derelict Toys R Us. She tries not to make eye contact, but a tween pimp straight out of juvie pushes the Ring Toss hard by taunting you with a plush toy from The Snorks. You cry when Mommy drags you passed their cat calls, you cry when you’re too short to ride The Scrambler, you cry when Mommy won’t let you burn one down with the tranny working the deep fried Mars Bar booth. $30 in ride coupons and confectionary later, Mommy at least manages to Instagram a happy shot of you on the Merry Go Round. For a moment it does feel like the fun fairs of her youth! Then you toddle through a puddle of someone else’s vomit. She hopes this whole afternoon serves as a teachable moment called Scared Straight: Carnie Edition.

DRINK:  Tilt-a-Whirl.  You must have given birth to ride. Combine 1oz lychee liquer and 1oz vodka over ice. Top glass with equal parts gingerale and apple juice. Garnish with fresh raspberries and note the delicate aroma of gasoline, menthol cigarettes and regret on your skin.

BUY THE BOOK: Pre-order your copy online with your favourite bookstore today. Makes the ideal baby shower gift. Or drink coaster. Or birth control reminder.

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