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The Olympics

10 Feb
Flikr/James Cridland

Flikr/James Cridland

It’s the most anticipated event since the first time you slept through the night: the 2014 Olympic Games!  Finally there is something more riveting than the Shopping Network on television when Mommy wakes up at 5 a.m.  Familiar moments from Olympics past such as falling asleep between Germany and Slovenia during the Parade of Nations, are interspersed with novel challenges like dodging Olympic spoilers while surfing Facebook at work.  Also new this year is Mommy’s fragile emotional state, and it’s not just because she’s surrounded by six packs in high def.  The combined impact of P&G’s “Thank You Mom” ad campaign, Chariots of Fire on permanent repeat, and the television networks’ human interest stories behind the Games (which always involve some combination of a deceased war hero, a devastating knee injury and a village fire,) is going to put Mommy in therapy until Rio 2016.  Normally she would channel this emotional energy into fueling her own Olympic dream, but it died on Day 1 when she pulled a hamstring peeling herself off the couch to microwave her Michelena frozen dinner.  Besides, Mommy already feels like she walked in an Olympian’s shoes during her pregnancy thanks to the dietary restrictions, toting around a shot put ball for nine months, and her medal-worthy performance in the delivery room.  Luckily Daddy has pegged the family’s Olympic dreams on you, wholeheartedly convinced that you’ll bust on to the podium by 2026.  Mommy secretly wonders if he’s reading too much into the “early signs of promise” he’s witnessed in you from the two Parents & Tots skating classes you’ve attended so far, but she chooses to suspend disbelief so she can fantasize about becoming a Tiger Mom.

DRINK: Gold Medal Cocktail. ½ oz vodka, ½ oz triple sec, 3 oz pureed mango, 2 oz orange juice, splash of lime. Serve chilled, garnished with a lime wedge. Victory’s never tasted so sweet.

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The Elf on the Shelf

10 Dec

the elf on the shelfBuying The Elf on the Shelf was the Worst Idea Ever. Not only is Santa’s little helper eerily reminiscent of Joan Rivers, but Mommy fears that constantly reminding you about all the amazing Christmas presents Santa’s going to bring you if you’re well behaved is both inflating your expectations and putting some serious performance pressure on Santa’s real-life elf AKA Mommy. The chocolate advent calendar she bought you (another purchase that led to immediate buyer’s remorse) is a daily reminder that there’s NO TIME left until Christmas, yet Mommy’s still no further ahead in her quest to find you toys that are equal parts educational, entertaining and economical. A visit to the local toy store yesterday was the opposite of help. Mommy spent thirty minutes waiting in line for a 2-minute interaction with a store employee. Only for him to recommend she spend $350 on the Thomas and Friends Wooden Railway Table. Not only does Mommy have issue with the fact that she could have constructed this table in 9th grade woodworking class, but it comes complete with NO trains and NO tracks!  Or how about this $250 junior kitchen set on display beside it, featuring stainless steel appliances and marble backsplash so now even toddlers can keep up with the Joneses! Please don’t misunderstand Mommy – it’s not that she wouldn’t give the world for you to have everything your heart desires this Christmas. But she fell into the trap of breaking the bank on presents last year, only to watch you spend the next hour playing exclusively with the discarded wrapping paper.

THE DRINK: Shelf the Elf. Combine 2 oz of Midori liqueur with ½ oz of fresh lemon juice and 1 teaspoon of simply syrup in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled glass and garnish with a maraschino cherry. Enjoy after retiring the Elf on the Shelf to the bottom of the basement closet where last year’s “must have!” Furby now resides.

The Holiday Card

26 Nov

Family photoGone are the days when sending holiday cheer to family and friends involved buying a club-sized pack of generic “Season’s Greetings!” cards. The personalized family holiday card has not only become a base expectation, but a way for the newest generation of parents to confirm to everyone in their social network just how original, talented, or awkward they really are. Mommy and Daddy already have a huge strike against them after failing at life last year with a mass holiday e-greeting sent at 8 pm on Christmas day. Which is why this year Mommy is more determined than ever to create the masterpiece that earns acclaim and envy from even the toughest critics on her holiday mailing list. The problem is that every creative direction under consideration has some serious downsides, as follows:

1)      The Glamour Card. Although Mommy immediately fell in love with the idea of a Kardashian-inspired family photo perched upon the mantel of everyone she knows, doing the math on the hair and make-up team, cashmere sweater vests, mansion rental, and extensive post-production work required to pull this option off quickly rendered it out of the financial question.

2)      The Precious Work of Art. Even though Mommy can think of nothing more fulfilling than spending her zero free time die cutting glitter paper nativity scenes, Mommy firmly believes that adults should have the maturity to acknowledge both their strengths and their weaknesses. Enough said.

3)      The “We’re sooooo Hilarious!” Card. Check out this hysterical idea that Mommy and Daddy conceived for a Christmas card, totally not stolen from awkwardfamilyphotos.com! We spent an entire afternoon finding these moth-infested Christmas sweaters at Value Village! Aren’t our puns really clever?! p.s. To Aunt Sally who was recently born again, please don’t be offended by our slightly off-colour Santa joke!

DRINK: The Holiday Fizzle. 1 ½ cups raspberry juice, 3 scoops raspberry sorbet; ½ cup carbonated water Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth for a fizzy mocktail the whole family can enjoy. And remember that if your holiday card  is a bust again this year, you can always take a second stab in January with a reputation-redeeming New Year’s greeting.

The November Blahs

13 Nov

imagesMommy is suffering from an extreme case of the November blahs. Probable causes:

  1. The sea of grey that greets her each morning. Otherwise known as Mommy’s lacklustre Fall wardrobe.
  2. The leftover Halloween candy supply has been officially depleted. Mommy just confirmed this by tearing the entire kitchen apart, only to turn up one lone and rock-hard Tootsie roll that she ate out of sheer desperation.
  3. Cold November Rain. The kind that’s not sexy like Axl Rose circa 1992 and actually does last forever.
  4. Three more layers of clothing to negotiate with you in the morning.
  5. 41 days?! How is Mommy already late for Christmas again???

As a single girl in her twenties, the only surefire remedy for November-induced melancholy was an all-inclusive girls’ vacation to Mexico. Back then, there was no greater pick-me-up than winning the affection of the resort’s personal trainer, not to mention ushering in holiday party season with a tan. Unfortunately, according to Expedia, the only all-inclusive family vacation package within Mommy & Daddy’s budget is a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge. Cue visuals of the family splashing in a cold & flu season cesspool, thanks to the raging case of germaphobia Mommy developed upon your birth.

DRINK: Blame it on the Rain. Muddle 2 handfuls of fresh raspberries and combine with 1 ½ oz vodka, 1 oz fresh lemon juice, and a teaspoon of Agave syrup. Shake over ice and strain into a martini glass. Top with ginger ale. Pair with a 100-watt full spectrum light bulb.

Hannah Montana

5 Nov

Screen Shot 2013-11-05 at 8.27.21 AM

Look Miley, we get it. You’re growing into your Victoria’s Secrets and you want to be like the raunchy cone bra Madonna of the 90s and Express Yourself. You can’t be the girl-next-door forever, so now’s the time to pull your V-card and do super weird stuff like molest a teddy bear, soil a foam finger and blur some lines by grinding up on Mr. Seaver’s son in front of The Fresh Prince Jr. Every big child star has to have their Britney breakdown. Remember when she broke up with J.T. (cry me a river!) shaved her head and walked barefoot through a gas station, then married that weird trailer park dancer guy, ya’ll? But now BritBrit has got it together with classy, family-friendly songs like “Work Bitch” so we know you’ll be okay. Heck, even Mommy went through a phase in her youth where she wore nothing but backless pleather snakeskin tops and a whole lot of glitter. Then again, she was never a child idol, so she wasn’t shattering the innocence of millions of tweens with her shenanigans. We know you’re “Just Being Miley”, so keep on experimenting with Molly, tonguing things, and doing soft-core porn and calling it art. Mommy looks forward to following your 2015 stint in rehab through tearful quotes from Billy Ray cobbled together on the pages of InTouch.

DRINK:  The Wrecking Highball.  2 oz white rum, 1oz simple syrup, dash of Angostura Bitters over crushed ice in a highball glass. Add fresh mint leaves and stir gently. It’s a Party In The USA!

BUY: Reasons Mommy Drinks, the book. On sale now.

Halloween

29 Oct

owlHalloween has been giving Mommy nightmares for months. Not only is this the holiday that forces her to come up with toddler-friendly answers to questions like “What does R-I-P mean? and “Why is there blood dripping from that scarecrow’s eyeballs?” but she also has to deal with the pressure of finding you the perfect Halloween costume. Last year, Mommy bought you an adorable monkey costume from the Old Navy sale rack, unintentionally subjecting you to a “Who wore it best?” contest at day care when half the class showed up in the same thing. At least it fit, unlike the hand-sewn (read: ridiculously overpriced) pumpkin costume that Mommy ordered off Etsy in a pregnancy-hormone-fueled e-shopping spree before you were even born. Who knew you’d end up in the 99th percentile on the height and weight charts? Mommy wishes she had the creativity of the hipster parents whose kids are plastered across BuzzFeed dressed as ironic ghosts and GIFs. Sadly Mommy’s so out of touch these days that, not only could she never conceive these costume ideas, but she didn’t even get half the references. Anyway, now that you’re a toddler with opinions, Mommy can no longer dress you in something for her own amusement and get away with it. It was so much easier when Mommy only had to dress herself on Halloween (AKA “Excuse to Wear Inappropriately Short Skirt Day.”) Although if Mommy tried to squeeze herself into one of those outfits now, she’d really send the trick or treaters screaming.

DRINK: The Smashing Pumpkin. 2 oz vanilla vodka, 3 tablespoons fresh pumpkin puree, dash of vanilla. Combine the ingredients in a cocktail shaker, shake vigorously and strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with grated nutmeg. A perfect use for the three pumpkins you butchered attempting to create that Pinterest Owl-O-Lantern.

McDonald’s

1 Oct
grubgrade.com

grubgrade.com

Previous to having a child, Mommy’s main interaction with The Golden Arches was scrambling to make the Egg McHangoverMuffin happen before they turned off the breakfast griddle. Now, especially that the weather is turning, McDonald’s has a new appeal: the indoor PlayPlace. Sure, there are other playlands she could take you to, but those cost money. McDonald’s PlayPlace is open at the crack of stupid and it’s FREE*! (*not actually free, please don’t kick Mommy out, Mr. Teenage Manager). Her steady resolve not to let you ever taste the evil of fast food is quickly eroding. Confession time: she broke down and purchased you a Happy Meal. Mommy Angst is at an all-time high about this slip in Perfect Nutritional Parenting, but as least she chose apple slices and milk to go with the Chicken McGuiltTrips. Plus, you loved your Transformer® Generic Change-y Toy Car for a good seven minutes.  Mommy makes a grimace (McJokes!) as you run around the padded jungle gym covered in influenza, rancid Big Mac sauce and pee, and are bashed around by tweens who are way too old to be here and are probably going to second base in the slide. Despite all this, you’re having the time of your life. Mommy is comforted by the fond memories of Granddad bringing her to McD’s as a child and the baked apple pie she totally did not just purchase and is eating right now.

DRINK: Anything from the McCafé. Sip on a delicious, steamy cup of 100% Arabica jet fuel, and enjoy not sleeping until sometime next week.

BUY: Reasons Mommy Drinks. On sale at your bookstore.  Ba da ba ba baaahhh you’ll be lovin’ it.

SOCIAL: Join us on Instagram @reasonsmommydrinks and on twitter @mommyreasons

 

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