Hannah Montana

5 Nov

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Look Miley, we get it. You’re growing into your Victoria’s Secrets and you want to be like the raunchy cone bra Madonna of the 90s and Express Yourself. You can’t be the girl-next-door forever, so now’s the time to pull your V-card and do super weird stuff like molest a teddy bear, soil a foam finger and blur some lines by grinding up on Mr. Seaver’s son in front of The Fresh Prince Jr. Every big child star has to have their Britney breakdown. Remember when she broke up with J.T. (cry me a river!) shaved her head and walked barefoot through a gas station, then married that weird trailer park dancer guy, ya’ll? But now BritBrit has got it together with classy, family-friendly songs like “Work Bitch” so we know you’ll be okay. Heck, even Mommy went through a phase in her youth where she wore nothing but backless pleather snakeskin tops and a whole lot of glitter. Then again, she was never a child idol, so she wasn’t shattering the innocence of millions of tweens with her shenanigans. We know you’re “Just Being Miley”, so keep on experimenting with Molly, tonguing things, and doing soft-core porn and calling it art. Mommy looks forward to following your 2015 stint in rehab through tearful quotes from Billy Ray cobbled together on the pages of InTouch.

DRINK:  The Wrecking Highball.  2 oz white rum, 1oz simple syrup, dash of Angostura Bitters over crushed ice in a highball glass. Add fresh mint leaves and stir gently. It’s a Party In The USA!

BUY: Reasons Mommy Drinks, the book. On sale now.

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Halloween

29 Oct

owlHalloween has been giving Mommy nightmares for months. Not only is this the holiday that forces her to come up with toddler-friendly answers to questions like “What does R-I-P mean? and “Why is there blood dripping from that scarecrow’s eyeballs?” but she also has to deal with the pressure of finding you the perfect Halloween costume. Last year, Mommy bought you an adorable monkey costume from the Old Navy sale rack, unintentionally subjecting you to a “Who wore it best?” contest at day care when half the class showed up in the same thing. At least it fit, unlike the hand-sewn (read: ridiculously overpriced) pumpkin costume that Mommy ordered off Etsy in a pregnancy-hormone-fueled e-shopping spree before you were even born. Who knew you’d end up in the 99th percentile on the height and weight charts? Mommy wishes she had the creativity of the hipster parents whose kids are plastered across BuzzFeed dressed as ironic ghosts and GIFs. Sadly Mommy’s so out of touch these days that, not only could she never conceive these costume ideas, but she didn’t even get half the references. Anyway, now that you’re a toddler with opinions, Mommy can no longer dress you in something for her own amusement and get away with it. It was so much easier when Mommy only had to dress herself on Halloween (AKA “Excuse to Wear Inappropriately Short Skirt Day.”) Although if Mommy tried to squeeze herself into one of those outfits now, she’d really send the trick or treaters screaming.

DRINK: The Smashing Pumpkin. 2 oz vanilla vodka, 3 tablespoons fresh pumpkin puree, dash of vanilla. Combine the ingredients in a cocktail shaker, shake vigorously and strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with grated nutmeg. A perfect use for the three pumpkins you butchered attempting to create that Pinterest Owl-O-Lantern.

Kidstyle

22 Oct

Screen Shot 2013-10-22 at 8.59.07 AMIt has gotten competitive out there. As a child, Mommy’s parents kitted her out with the itchy synthetic line at K-Mart. Now it’s a pressure test to knock off whatever the Beckham brood are wearing in US magazine’s “Celebrity Kids: They’re Just Like How You Should Dress Your Kids To Fulfill Your Own Faded Dreams!” The challenge is to copy the Burberry fall line with pieces from Old Navy’s flash sale. Luckily, Old Navy is always having a flash sale, according to the 14 emails a day she gets from them. Newsboy hat, skinny jeans, ironic tee, denim jacket, knock off Ray Bans and a pair of mini Converse from Target later, you look nothing like a 3-year-old and everything like how she wishes Daddy would dress. Mommy Instagrams a smiley shot of you eating Cheerios and hashtags it #RichKidsOfInstagram because she doesn’t understand the internet. Then she drops you off for photo day at school, convinced the $40 package that includes a fridge magnet will be worth it. Then you come home without your newsboy hat. Or sunglasses. And you’re wearing another kid’s Ninja Turtle shirt. Mabel’s Labels should come with cubby insurance.

DRINK: The Pop Some Hashtags. 2 oz gin, 3 dashes of orange bitters, 2 dashes grenadine, 1 egg white. Shake over ice and strain. Gin and egg whites are both so hot right now, so if your kid can’t dress like Alonso Mateo (google this preschooler), at least your cocktail can be. #nailedit

Cold and Flu Season

8 Oct

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Ever since becoming a parent, Mommy has developed an extreme case of cold and flu season paranoia. The common cold might as well be the Ebola virus for the precautions Mommy is taking to avoid it.  But despite dousing herself in Purell, overdosing on wheat grass and oregano oil, and resorting to socially-alienating elbow maneuvers to open doors, Mommy knows it’s all in vain because your daycare is also known as the Centre for Infectious Diseases. It took less than two post-enrollment days for you to contract your first cold and a year later Mommy is still dreaming of the day she can get a snot-free family photo.  Thankfully, you have thus far miraculously managed to avoid the flu. No thanks to the flu shot you didn’t get. Which, after five hours of migraine-inducing internet research, Mommy concluded was the most responsible, atrocious, intelligent, ignorant decision she’s ever made as a parent. But should the family go rogue again this year? When you’re trying to climb the corporate ladder, there’s nothing more career-limiting than missing the most important week of the fiscal year because you’re in bed with the flu. Except being the martyr who shows up anyway and contaminates the entire office with Influenza A. (Note – Mommy is obviously referring to a “friend” who did this, not herself.)

DRINK: The Flu-lixer. Boil water and add fresh grated ginger root, fresh lemon juice, a dash of cayenne pepper, and honey to taste. Make as much as required to wash down the Vitamin C and Cold FX pills you’ll be popping like Tic Tacs until March.

McDonald’s

1 Oct
grubgrade.com

grubgrade.com

Previous to having a child, Mommy’s main interaction with The Golden Arches was scrambling to make the Egg McHangoverMuffin happen before they turned off the breakfast griddle. Now, especially that the weather is turning, McDonald’s has a new appeal: the indoor PlayPlace. Sure, there are other playlands she could take you to, but those cost money. McDonald’s PlayPlace is open at the crack of stupid and it’s FREE*! (*not actually free, please don’t kick Mommy out, Mr. Teenage Manager). Her steady resolve not to let you ever taste the evil of fast food is quickly eroding. Confession time: she broke down and purchased you a Happy Meal. Mommy Angst is at an all-time high about this slip in Perfect Nutritional Parenting, but as least she chose apple slices and milk to go with the Chicken McGuiltTrips. Plus, you loved your Transformer® Generic Change-y Toy Car for a good seven minutes.  Mommy makes a grimace (McJokes!) as you run around the padded jungle gym covered in influenza, rancid Big Mac sauce and pee, and are bashed around by tweens who are way too old to be here and are probably going to second base in the slide. Despite all this, you’re having the time of your life. Mommy is comforted by the fond memories of Granddad bringing her to McD’s as a child and the baked apple pie she totally did not just purchase and is eating right now.

DRINK: Anything from the McCafé. Sip on a delicious, steamy cup of 100% Arabica jet fuel, and enjoy not sleeping until sometime next week.

BUY: Reasons Mommy Drinks. On sale at your bookstore.  Ba da ba ba baaahhh you’ll be lovin’ it.

SOCIAL: Join us on Instagram @reasonsmommydrinks and on twitter @mommyreasons

 

The book has launched!

16 Sep

RMD CoverReasons Mommy Drinks, the book.  On sale now.

Dust off your jogging stroller and power walk your way to your favorite retailer to pick up Reasons Mommy Drinks by Lyranda Martin Evans and Fiona Stevenson. This must-read book is a wickedly funny journey through the first eighteen months of new parenthood. It’s the ultimate baby shower gift!  But don’t take our word for it. Read these reactions to Reasons Mommy Drinks, the book:

“This has Hollywood blockbuster written all over it. Judd Apatow, call me.”
– Carolyn Forde, agent, Westwood Creative Artists

“This book is the must-have resource for new moms, single people, newlyweds,
retirees, insomniacs, Oprah’s book club, dog lovers, cat people, and
people who were once babies.”
– Anna Thompson, editor, Three Rivers Press

“Lyranda? Fiona? I haven’t seen either of you in a year. Are you alive? Please respond to one of my 412 emails / phone messages / texts with proof of life.”
– Emily Block, authors’ oldest friend

DRINK:  The Best Cellar. Bust out your best vintage, and enjoy while reading your very own first-edition copy of Reasons Mommy Drinks. Now available on shelves at your favorite retailer. Note the buy buttons on the right-hand side of screen for easy online shopping.

BESTSELLER: Top Ten Non Fiction in The Globe and Mail, Sept 21, 2013.

Reasons Mommy Drinks with Kathie Lee and Hoda

13 Sep

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Missed us on The Today Show? Watch the link, and get exclusive content and recipes, here:

http://www.today.com/books/reasons-mommy-drinks-cocktail-recipes-dazed-parents-8C11138124

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