Tag Archives: miley cyrus

Hannah Montana

5 Nov

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Look Miley, we get it. You’re growing into your Victoria’s Secrets and you want to be like the raunchy cone bra Madonna of the 90s and Express Yourself. You can’t be the girl-next-door forever, so now’s the time to pull your V-card and do super weird stuff like molest a teddy bear, soil a foam finger and blur some lines by grinding up on Mr. Seaver’s son in front of The Fresh Prince Jr. Every big child star has to have their Britney breakdown. Remember when she broke up with J.T. (cry me a river!) shaved her head and walked barefoot through a gas station, then married that weird trailer park dancer guy, ya’ll? But now BritBrit has got it together with classy, family-friendly songs like “Work Bitch” so we know you’ll be okay. Heck, even Mommy went through a phase in her youth where she wore nothing but backless pleather snakeskin tops and a whole lot of glitter. Then again, she was never a child idol, so she wasn’t shattering the innocence of millions of tweens with her shenanigans. We know you’re “Just Being Miley”, so keep on experimenting with Molly, tonguing things, and doing soft-core porn and calling it art. Mommy looks forward to following your 2015 stint in rehab through tearful quotes from Billy Ray cobbled together on the pages of InTouch.

DRINK:  The Wrecking Highball.  2 oz white rum, 1oz simple syrup, dash of Angostura Bitters over crushed ice in a highball glass. Add fresh mint leaves and stir gently. It’s a Party In The USA!

BUY: Reasons Mommy Drinks, the book. On sale now.

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